Decisions

'What do you want to eat for lunch?'

'Anything' is usually my answer, as I have difficulty making decisions, especially for normative issues where there is no clear answer, and when off-the-cuff. Perhaps this is why Ops work suits me more, as the decisions to be made are generally more clear cut and black-and-white.

Recently I have had to make a huge decision regarding my own well-being, on whether to opt for surgery for my back problem, or to wait it out.

I have never been good at making decisions, and the many variables at work here made me even more confused.

For surgery, the pain relief would be quick, but carried with it the risks of a spinal operation, along with the risks of going under general anesthesia. Many relatives also claimed that going for surgery would lead to several knock-on ailments later on in life.

For the wait-and-see approach, there was a 70% chance that the body would heal itself over 6 to 8 weeks, but there were no guarantees and if the pain did not subside, I would still need to go for surgery.

On top of this, there is the time issue, where in the interim when I am in the recovery phase, I will not be able to look after J and will need to rely on the help of relatives, whom I feel bad to bother. Not to mention the absence from work, which means that my colleagues are having to cover for me for an indefinite period.

There is also the issue of money, which is complicated. While the surgical option costs more, being admitted to hospital allows me to claim for expenses under insurance, as compared to the wait-and-see approach.

After an agonizing 2 weeks, I gave in to the surgical solution. Even this took up to 4 days to settle the logistics and in the meantime I woke up one day feeling lesser pain, wondering whether I had made a mistake and would be taking the above mentioned risks for naught. I think there is no way I will know which is the best option. I suppose under the wait-and-see approach, I would eventually get better, but who knows when that day where zero pain is achieved will come, and whether the relatives would have been mobilized without the surgical option.